Oops...wrong button!

Uh oh, boy did I screw up. I've been experimenting with a new blog design, thinking about making a change. This morning I was trying out the new template designer on Blogger and I hit the wrong button. Whooooooosh...out goes the old blog and in comes one of the new trial ones I was playing with. The old one poofed into the ether...I hadn't made a copy of it recently so I can't go back. Please excuse the mess if you come in before I finish tidying and remodeling. I need to straighten up the footer mess before I consider any more modifications.

More later, lol...

Reading 'Like Bees to Honey' and slaying a dragon or two...

I got swept up reading Caroline Smailes's 'Like Bees to Honey' this morning. It was serialized across 31 blogs. Sigh, unfortunately the widget containing chapter 4 malfunctioned and it's no longer available. Trying to decide if I should skip chapter 4 (they are brief chapters) and see if I can catch up or jump into some writing of my own. Laughing...or maybe have a nap. I am tired darn it! Hmmm, so what else is new, huh?

I'm working on a new post. If I don't chuck it or decide to post something else first it will be one on gardening. I think I've hit on a way to work through some of the writing issues Ive been having. I'm starting a document every 2 or 3 days on Goggle Docs, I jot down things of interest, quotes, and notes, do writing prompts and exercises, and write about things on my mind. Over the course of a day or three (whatever it takes), I'm going back and working on poems and stories; pulling posts together; re-writing, polishing, and editing until I have something.

It seems to be working so far...I'm feeling positive and more relaxed about it. Pieces get done when they are done. I'm being creative and writing every day while pacing and working on not overloading. While I haven't slain all the dragons, I am learning to cope...layer by layer.

More later...

Six years is a long time...

Something interesting happened as I was doing a writing exercise yesterday. I was roughing out a poem using a prompt that required you to put certain things on each of 14 lines (ie, a feeling, an observation of your surroundings, a personification of an inanimate object, a metaphor, a prominent memory, symbolism, and so on).

As I played with the prompt, plugging in the requirement for each of the first 6 lines, I began writing a poem about the severe fatigue of CFS. I hadn't consciously chosen that as the subject...I just jumped in and started writing. It asked for a feeling. What I was feeling was overwhelming fatigue. (When you live with this disease, fatigue becomes more than a physical sensation, as if that wasn't enough.).

What is interesting about all this is that, the new poem is one of only two poems I've ever written about being ill. The first poem was written 6 years ago. It was one of my first poems written as an adult. Of all the poems I've written and ones I've started, I think it's kind of odd that only two have been about my illness...and so far apart in time. Odd, too, that I hadn't thought about writing another poem about having/living with CFS.

I don't think I thought about writing another because I was trying so hard to make a life around the CFS and because I'm a proponent of Eastern philosophy which teaches acceptance. I tried to accept and move on...focusing on living life the fullest way that I could and not focusing on the disease more than I was forced to.

The poem isn't complete yet...I have several versions roughed out. This one is getting there I think.

measuring days

in teaspoons

another day

passes

as fatigue

that ravening

beast

feasts on

my body

and gnaws on

my bones

Writing with CFS...

Writing with CFS issues continue to frustrate me.

I'm either brain dead and can think of nothing to say.
or
I have much more to say than I have strength or stamina to think out, type, edit, and post.

I either find it difficult to get started and share something personal.
or
I have a great need to share and explain. (This is a newer phenomenon.)

Now that I'm learning to share more, I find I sometimes (frequently?) want to explain when I share...going on to explain more about CFS and life with CFS, for example. Part of it is that I'm used to writing more informational than personal pieces. I'm wondering, too, if this is an attempt to make it less personal and more clinical...a format I'm used to from my profession and my love of science. Still working on those sharing personal stuff issues. Whatever the reason, it results in longer posts. It, also, often results in me going off to look up some bit of information to include...getting me even more overloaded and bogged down.

Most of the time, I still wind up wanting to write much more than I can handle...frustrating. I've been practicing writing shorter posts on a blog in another venue and thought I had gotten much better at it. However, it's a site where I don't really discuss any personal issues much...especially the ones dealing with my illness. Coming back here, I've discovered that I still have difficulty writing shorter posts. I think it has to do with feeling freer to share more personal topics and discuss the illness issues. My cup (mouth/fingers) runneth over...

Since I've been back I've had a lot to write about but not enough strength to do it all or edit it when it gets too long. Just thinking of what to include or not is more work now. It's also hard for me to go back and pare down or decide what can be divided into shorter posts. Especially, when I've gone overboard and gotten stuck in the middle of a post that has taken on gargantuan proportions. It's even difficult to think of ways to rewrite to make it more concise. Word-finding difficulties add to the frustration. (Extremely difficult for a former speech-language pathologist, as well as a writer, to cope with these changes/losses. Language is/was my life! Sigh...).

Wonder if other writers with CFS experience these issues? Now I'm wondering, too, if there are other speech pathologists with this disease...sharing these issues. There must be.

Stray birds of summer...

Stray birds of summer come to my window
to sing and fly away.

~ excerpted from a poem by Tagore

I've rediscovered Twitter. (It never appealed much to me before just for social networking.). I've found it's full of poets, writers, and artists. All sharing their work...who knew? Now that's a different story!

Been busy reading poems and microfiction, tweeting a little, looking up information on short poetry forms (haiku, micropoetry, gogyohka, tanka...and more), browsing writing and poetry websites, and writing a bit between naps. Alternating activities so I don't get too overloaded. It's been a welcome diversion.

I've been writing 'minimalist' poetry for about 7 years now. Choosing words carefully, making each word count, trying to paint vivid pictures in a few words. Other than haiku, I didn't know so many short forms of unrhymed poetry existed. It's absolutely delicious! I'm thrilled and, at the same time, a little in awe! Just what I needed to get me writing more again.

I'm back...

I'm back. Lol, no fanfare. It's been over a year since my last post. I started out writing a post to catch up but it got too long and I got too tired and overwhelmed. Just too much 'stuff' to even try to summarize in one post and I'm not great at summarizing anymore...it takes a lot of energy and concentration that I don't have. I think it's best just to jump in and say I'm back and I'll fill in some as I go along...when it feels right.

Slow dancing in the fast lane...

Catching up...

I've been very tired and recuperating since attending a regular monthly get together with a group of friends last Saturday night (2/21). I overdid it some just going and have been dealing with the 'payback' from pushing myself and using more energy than I really had. The payback this time was fever, a 'heavy' chest (fluid), body aches, and fatigue, etc. for the first 4 days or so, then worse than usual fatigue (a very relative concept) since then. The flu-like symptoms were a sure sign that I did way too much.

It's so tricky because with CFS what is 'too much' changes all the time...it can be hard to gauge at the time that it's happening. I left early after dinner and didn't stay for the usual fun of playing Mexican Train dominoes. I tried not to push myself too hard but it was too much. I knew in advance that just going was probably 'too much' but I did it anyway.

I did the crime and did my time dealing with the payback. Grrrrrrrrr, everything is a trade-off these days. It was nice seeing everyone though and getting out. It was a potluck and the food was incredible...we all ate like pigs! I will do it again this month if I'm at all able.

*******

I've been too tired to do much writing so no blog posts this last week. Most of my writing energy has gone into e-mails and occasional IM's staying in touch with friends. Talking on the phone takes a lot of breath support and with my shortness of breath right now is difficult. So I save most of my telephone 'energy' (ha ha) for talking with my mother as she doesn't have a computer. I started a few blog posts and got too tired to finish them. They will eventually get finished or rewritten and incorporated into other posts.

I'm still learning how to pace myself with writing. I'm learning to brainstorm ideas, jot down my thoughts, write snippets then rest or at least change mental activities, save ALL my writing, use some previously written snippets in what I'm writing or as a springboard, and combine various snippets to put together pieces. I'm also learning to be more patient, be satisfied with less (working on 'less is more' concept), share more of my life, enjoy what I can do, and be less of a perfectionist and less demanding of my writing (and myself).

One discovery I made...if I use Google docs I can save and organize all my materials and easily transfer them to Blogger. I can take previously written segments/snippets/notes, plug them in, move them around, rewrite some, and edit without any problems when I post to Blogger. Using some word processing programs to write in (like Microsoft Word) or store writing and notes results in extra 'junk' that messes things up when you try to transfer your writing to Blogger.

*******

I ordered a new home phone with an answering machine built in and a headset from Amazon. I can't do anything that makes me hold my arm(s) up for long. For some reason holding my arm up is extremely fatiguing. Even something I used to take for granted, like applying mascara, can cause devastating fatigue. Using a headset gets around the problem of holding up my arm(s) and leaves me a little more energy to talk. I need to get a new earpiece for my cellphone now...I've had to stop using it completely. Using it is even worse with holding up my arm because it is so small and has to be held just so to hear and be heard.

Of course Murphy's Law kicked in and something was wrong with the phone or the headset. There was a loud hum when I tried to make calls using the headset. I got in touch with Amazon, explained the problem, and they 'overnighted' a new phone to me. I have Amazon Prime so I don't know if the over-night replacement was their usual operating procedure or because I'm a 'premium' customer. There are some kind of scary things in their return policy (one thing about returning things in a resalable condition...they don't say anything about defective goods or else I missed it...and stuff about shipping charges) so I'm waiting to see what happens.

Murphy was really working overtime so when I received the new phone...guess what? You got it...the same problem. Evidently, the problem was the headset not the phone. (I told Amazon I wasn't sure which was not working...how was I supposed to know? The customer service guy was very nice but as is usual in these cases, there was a bit of a language problem complicating things.).

Later, after discovering it wasn't a problem with the phone after all, I went out and rootled around in our old electronics parts stash and found a ratty old headset and tested it. Sure enough it worked like a charm. So now I have to get back with Amazon and tell them it was the headset and not the phone, work everything out, pack it all up, and ship it back to them. Yikes, I really don't have the energy for all that, but I guess I don't really have much choice! .